Homesick

Below you’ll find a post that isn’t necessarily well-polished, perhaps isn’t easy to understand, and isn’t especially well-written because I couldn’t always find the “correct” words. But I wanted to post “in the moment” so here it is.

I’m feeling very homesick this evening. The onset (and intensity) surprised me. I met with my friend Kasia for tea this afternoon and she asked me if I was still planning to return to Chicago after this school year. (People around me know that my plans sometimes change quickly and unexpectedly.) I told her yes, and, naturally, any time I tell people I’m leaving after this year, they ask why. Sometimes it’s difficult to explain why because a great percentage of my justification is a “gut reaction” (granted, a "gut reaction" that followed a lot of prayer, contemplation, and reflection) that it’s the appropriate time for me to leave.

But then Kasia asked me what I miss about the States. People don’t ask me this very often. And saying aloud – “I miss being with my family and friends the most” – in response to her question caused me to intensely miss my family and friends. I wouldn’t say I’m typically in a state of full-blown denial about missing people, but my work here is purposeful, fulfilling, challenging, and joyful, and thanks especially to Skype and the Internet, I do get to talk and write to people back home quite frequently. Life here is busy (and that’s great!) and I also know that the busyness of life here helps keep the homesickness at bay.

But seeing people I love only once every five months (and I’m extremely lucky that for me it’s once every five months, not longer) is painful. It’s the times when I pause and think of what I’ve missed – birthdays, family dinners, and lots of everyday events that are mundane but beautiful and the “meat” of life and relationships – that the homesickness suddenly hits me. Time at home, in the States, doesn’t stop because I’m in Poland.

But that word – “home” – is a little confusing lately. The first image that pops into my head when I hear the word "home" is me eating dinner and talking with my parents and sisters at our dining room table. But when I studied at university, I also felt it was “home.” London was “home” when I studied there. Sometimes this year I get a little confused about the word “home.” It feels a little funny to say, “I’m going home for Christmas” (home = Park Ridge) when I also say, “Oh, it’s great to come home” (home = Cieszyn) after a weekend in Slovakia. I felt at home a few weekends ago when I visited a Polish friend’s parents’ house and spent the weekend with them. I felt at home when visiting an American friend’s house this summer. I won’t get into a deep intellectual discussion about how to define “home,” but I know that for me, it’s the people, not the place.

This evening I’m preparing for a few upcoming Thanksgiving celebrations with friends and students, and I can’t help, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, but feel grateful to feel homesick. Because isn’t it kind of awesome to feel homesick? To have a "home" to miss? To miss home (people in the States) while feeling at home (with people in Poland)?

And I’m filled with gratitude for my family and friends who supported me when I decided to go to Poland to teach. Relatives and friends who excitedly pulled out maps to locate Cieszyn when I first told them the news 17 months ago. Perhaps it’s easy to take them for granted. But I know I’m lucky.

And I'm grateful to everyone who Skypes with me, e-mails me, writes to me. I can't thank you enough for all the times you've offered advice, listened, made me laugh, made me feel a part of your life even though I'm thousands of miles away. Thanks for sending me links to hilarious videos or intellectually-stimulating articles. For grappling with difficult time zone differences. For supporting my work here, praying for me. For helping me feel that I don’t have to fear the end of this journey, that when I leave one home in June 2011, I’m returning to another. And then I know I’ll feel homesick for Poland, yet feel at home back in the States.

All my love and gratitude to the people who are my home. You all rock. I miss you, I love you.

Sarah

P.S. Tune in again this weekend for a Thanksgiving festivities post!